Apr 212010
(asked by Jen, from… somewhere, possibly somewhere in Asia)
Jen -the previous asker- actually had three questions, but instead of bundling them up in one entry, I’m separating them into three.
Here is the second one:
Another thing is… do French men don’t relate ‘marriage’ with ‘sex’? I am married (though my husband didn’t come to Paris with me) and my two French friends knew it, but both did try (individually and in different occasion of course) to suggest for me having sex with them. Is there something that women do which might be interpreted by a French man that a woman want to have sex with him?
Ah! The topic of French people cheating here and there and dissociating marriage from sex…
I have already covered it for the most part here.
So to summarize: aristocracy then bourgeoisie didn’t marry for love, so cheating was part of those societies. Nowadays, “cheating” is not institutionalized anymore, and is definitely not as widespread as it is being said to be. But, cheating still happens a lot I feel, especially in Paris, especially in the bourgeoisie. Now, I have the feeling that French people don’t really cheat more than other comparable cultures, it’s just dealt with differently.
In other terms, while it can and will destroy families, on the public level, cheating is seen as not a big deal, a funny thing (it’s the source of a lot of comedy in France), or even a “cool” thing. Compare with other cultures and it seems obvious why cheating may be seen as something much widespread and common and “normal” in France.
Which doesn’t mean that there aren’t any filthy pigs in France, and I don’t want to judge your two friends, but they don’t seem like very respectable people. Are they your friends, really?
Also, concerning your situation, you mentioned being Asian, and there –once again- I don’t know your friends, I’m just drawing generalities from the example you gave me- we may be facing another issue.
As I mentioned in the topic about Asians in France, some white French people express some sort of strange racism against Asians… They’re not mean or anything, but sometimes those people won’t treat Asian people in a very condescending way. And with women it will very often translate into something more or less sexual. I have the feeling that some white French people tend to see Asian women as the ultimate sexual object; the woman that never says no, the woman that hasn’t been screwed up by judeo-christian (or worse: puritain judeo-christian) hypocrisy and consequently that has no taboo about sex, that can be promiscuous with anybody, for them having sex is like sharing a drink… You know, all of those sort of clichés.
So, yeah, you have some men in France who think that it’s perfectly OK to ask any Asian women (including random ones they randomly meet) for sex, just like that.
Were there something like that your “friends”? (No, really? Your friends?) No idea, I was not there, but I’d be tempted to say yes if they thought it was ok to have sex with you although you’re married.
And to answer your question more precisely:
“Is there something that women do which might be interpreted by a French man that a woman want to have sex with him?”
Personally, unless she’s grabbing my crotch, unbuttoning my pants or anything along those lines, if a woman doesn’t explicitely say that she wants to have sex with me, I don’t assume anything. Now, I’m not every Frenchman and I can’t talk in their name here, and I’m sure that if your “friends” (Seriously? Your friends?) tried to have sex with you, they will also use any behavior from your part as an excuse. Men will do that, especially pigs that think that it’s ok to have sex with a married woman.
And if I was a feminist, I’d add that the way you ask the question underlines the fact that you think you did something wrong, when you didn’t (unless you did unbutton their pants), they did. But I’m not a feminist. And once again I’m giving advice in relationships instead of talking about French culture…
Hehe… no… I didn't come anywhere near their pants. But I did spend good amount of time with each of them. We had coffee/meals together, went to some places together, had a great time and good laugh (at least for me). I really enjoyed my time with them.
So I thought, maybe I shouldn't have spent that much time with them… or I don't know… I just thought because more than 1 person asked the same thing, it could be me sending the wrong message.
And yes, they're my friends. It's not like I just knew them for few days! We exchange news in regular basis, we talk about our lives etc… And they had met my husband.
Since they know where I'm from, I guess they know I come from a world where sex isn't anything casual, people are not expected to have sex with someone they arent married with. But this is just a guess and I can be wrong.
But I really don't wanna think of these people as a bad person. They never forced me into doing it… they might initiate but didn't do anything further to make me obey.
I think part of the reasons I ever came up with this question because I kinda hope this kind of act is expected from many french men do so I wouldn't have to see these guys as … pigs.